Why I Hate Christmas.

December 17th, 2008 Posted in Taint, Lestat, Twilight, Christmas, Magical Underwear, Mormons, Tom Cruise, Jesus, The Undead, Nazis, Holidays

I know you all will be surprised and shocked when I say, “I HATE CHRISTMAS,” cuz I am one seriously cheery girl.

But I just don’t get it.  So Jesus got born.  Whoop-de-doo.

You know how hard it is to get born?

Not very.

You know how hard it is to give birth?

VERY.

Wow.  Turns out I hate birthdays too. They just remind me of ripped taint.* And now I’m thinking of the Virgin Mary’s ripped taint, and that just seems wrong somehow.**

I think the biggest Jesus day should be Easter because becoming a zombie is way cooler and more interesting than getting born. I mean, I got born, you probably did too, I know fer damn sure my sons did.***

But becoming a zombie is truly for the special few.  There’s Jesus and Frankenstein, and oh, all those Nazis on Call of Duty. A Nazi zombie is really the worst kind of zombie I can think of. The most awful kind of human combined with the nastiest kind of undead. I wonder if Nazi zombies avoid eating Jew brains.

You know, now that I’m thinking about this, zombies have really got the short end of the stick. Zombies are all gross and seem like they probably smell really bad (cept Jesus of course) cuz of their rotting body parts and all that. Vampires, on the other hand, are all hot and exciting and make girl panties melt right off. When I was a teenager, I had Lestat. I lurved him until they chose Tom Cruisin-fer-a-Boner to play him in that horrible movie over Sting. 

What the living, I mean, unliving hell were they thinking?! I stopped lusting after Lestat immediately, or maybe it was after he became an international rock star.  Seriously, Anne Rice, those musta been some good drugs.

Now there’s a new hot vampire. My neighbor tells me that the Twilight books were written by a Mormon.  Are they allowed to do that?  Vampirism does not seem like the appropriate afterlife for a proper Mormon gal to be thinking about. Mormons aren’t even allowed to have coffee fer Chrissakes. And they have to wear magic underwear.  I know cuz I dated a Mormon once.  He got put on probation for having sex with me. Magic underwear my ass.

Where was I?

Oh yeah.  And that’s why I hate Christmas.

The end.

*Wonder if this is the first post ever to connect the birth of Jesus with ripped taint.

**Hell in a Handbasket, as they say.

***Now I’m thinking of ripped taint and my sons. What the hell is WRONG with me?

  1. 32 Responses to “Why I Hate Christmas.”

  2. By Vegetable Assassin on Dec 17, 2008

    Good Lord, I laughed till I hurt then. Two words I didn’t expect to see all day were “ripped taint” let alone the ripped taint of a virgin saint!

    How magic is this Mormon underwear? Is it like David Copperfield magic or just a little David Blaine?

    I’m sure he wasn’t the first dude you got probation. I hope not anyway. :)

  3. By furiousball on Dec 17, 2008

    see… this is what those crazy flagellant motherfuckers should be doing… that would truly separate the true believers from the pussies that just spank their own shoulders or whatever…

    let’s see these monks or whatever flagellate their taints for jesus. seriously, that’s the real shit.

    also if you do this, you won’t pee straight again ever

  4. By DrZibbs on Dec 17, 2008

    My wife has seen that damn Twilight 3 times and is on the 3rd book. I swear I’m gonna dress like a vampire one of these nights and get it on with her.

  5. By Franki on Dec 17, 2008

    vegetableA ~ i’m just sayin, can you imagine how bad birth would hurt if you hadn’t even experienced sex? we should be celebrating poor mary at christmas.

    as near as i can tell, magic underwear isn’t all that magical unless you believe in it.

    furiousB ~ are you speaking from non-peeing straight experience here?

    drZ ~ you def. should…and then post about it. hopefully, there will be no eggs.

  6. By womanwithnoregrets on Dec 17, 2008

    Oh I so needed that laugh! I also wonder if Nazi zombies eat Jewish brains. Well, I didn’t wonder that before I read this, but you get what I mean.
    You know that Mary was special so hers didn’t rip, right? Jesus probably crawled out so she didn’t even need to push.
    Oh lordy, see you in hell. It’ll be a fun time.

  7. By Cynnie on Dec 17, 2008

    I have magic undies :)

    and my oldest kid weighed 10 pounds ..I was 15 ..:( I couldnt sit up for a month

    now I’m depressed

  8. By Cynnie on Dec 17, 2008

    oh and vampires !!

    I read the lestat books back in the day ..and I had the hots for super sexy vampire dude ..

    Then…Tom Cruise

    I lost my boner :(

  9. By Franki on Dec 17, 2008

    noR ~ seems like the least God could do for poor Mary, give her an easy birth. can’t tell you how pissed i would be to get prego without getting laid.

    cynnie ~ hope those weren’t the ones the doggy ate? and 10 pounds…ouchieouchieOUCHIE!

    cynnie ~ yeah, that lestat guy was the shit…until he wasn’t. cruise was the least likely candidate ever for that part.

  10. By say it on Dec 17, 2008

    ripped taints are no laughing matter. Yet, here, I can’t stop laughing. Thanks!

  11. By pistols at dawn on Dec 17, 2008

    I really never got the whole vampire fixation, probably because the people into it wore effing capes like that was socially acceptable. And zombies had their heyday after starring in the Thriller video, where it was revealed they were less creepy than Michael Jackson.

    Thematically, going from Christmas to ripped taints to tempting Mormon boys? Well done. It’s cruciriffic.

  12. By Franki on Dec 17, 2008

    say it ~ we could say that the virgin mary was a ripped saint with a ripped taint….bwahHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! life got so much funnier when i stopped believing in hell.

    p@d ~ note: capes not socially acceptable. the reasons for my singleness become ever more apparent. i forgot about those zombies in thriller. they might be worse than nazi zombies.

  13. By meno on Dec 17, 2008

    Word from my daughter is that it’s okay that the books were written by a mormon because they don’t get it on until they are married. And because it’s making wheelbarrows full of money, which mormons like.

  14. By Franki on Dec 17, 2008

    meno ~ ????!!!!! she marries the vampire?!!! holeeeeshit. the mormon i dated woulda definitely got probation for that.

  15. By jane on Dec 17, 2008

    ok, this post confirms all the reasons I love you so freakin much…

  16. By Krok69 on Dec 17, 2008

    Franki Stanki, I hear they don’t do episiotomies anymore, a ripped taint heals better? My late wife said it was my thick penis that made her deliveries so easy.

    I don’t celebrate Christmas but I have erected my Kwanzaa Bush.

  17. By rassles on Dec 18, 2008

    I can’t stand those Twilight books. Buffy is eternally better, in regards to falling-in-love with a vampire and all that crap.

  18. By Jennifer H on Dec 18, 2008

    When one’s taint is ripping, you ought least be able to blame it on the man who got you preggers. And now I’m just thinking of poor Joseph, who was all, “Don’t look at me!” and under his breath “Virgin, my ass…”

  19. By Frogger on Dec 18, 2008

    Got a Mormon with magic underwear put on probation. Uhmmm that is something I have never done. I have gotten myself put on probation, got an ex kicked out of college, even got a friend kicked out of a southeast Asian country, but never got a Mormon with magic underwear put on probation.

  20. By Franki on Dec 18, 2008

    jane ~ awww…i wub u too, you freak.

    krok ~ that makes sense. i understand jesus was a dark-skinned man.

    rassles ~ i forgot about buffy!

    jenniferH ~ bwahHAHAHAHAHAHA! yeah, talk about short end of the stick…poor joseph.

    frogger ~ don’t worry, it’s not as fun as it sounds.

  21. By Matt the Twit on Dec 18, 2008

    Wow! That was hilarious. You never fail to disappoint. From Mary’s ripped taint to vampires to Mormons. . . . God, you’re hot!

  22. By Del-v on Dec 18, 2008

    I bit off of your post on my post… thanks!

  23. By Franki on Dec 18, 2008

    mattTT ~ i’m blushing and curtsying over here in the most ladylike way.

    delV ~ vampires need to be taken down a notch.

  24. By heart in san francisco on Dec 18, 2008

    I have always abhorred vampires. Simply cannot stand them. Even before Tom Cruise.

    Also, I have never heard the word “taint” before. I always learn so much when I come here. (So to speak.) You are a fount of wisdom, Franki, even without magic panties.

  25. By M@ on Dec 18, 2008

    I don’t know many Asians that love Christmas…. It’s a holiday w/ the potential to remind you of loss, particularly of the romantic and familial sort…. But if you are a white person from a northern latitude, you give it your all. And you hope for that elusive Christmas miracle. It hasn’t happened to me yet… but I never give up hope.

  26. By rachel on Dec 18, 2008

    I HATE the vampire genre with every fiber of my being. I hated them before anne rice made it cool, and I LOATHE every scrap of blood-sucking fiction created since. Goddamn, I hate stephanie meyer!

    also, I grew up with Mormons, and I don’t care for them too. so there’s another strike against the fucking cunt stephanie meyer and her cuntopolytic books.

  27. By Krok69 on Dec 19, 2008

    Bitch, You think you know everything. Well you don’t. Jesus is a Spic and he tends to the greens at my golf club. Jesus is not a Homie or he would have a cushy government job.

    You are crazy not to have sex with Matt. He is way better than you.

  28. By Franki on Dec 19, 2008

    heart ~ oh i do have magic panties…way more magical than the mormon ones

    m@ ~ wow, how odd to hear you speaking of miracles. what would a miracle look like to you.

    rachel ~ goodness…did i step on a nerve?

    oh krok ~ i have an inferiority complex so i think everyone’s better than me.

  29. By martha on Dec 19, 2008

    wow… haha. you never cease to shock :) i’ll give you that.

    i will agree with you that i think Easter should be more important though. not for the same reasons, granted… but still.

  30. By Franki on Dec 19, 2008

    martha ~ i don’t mean to be shocking, really. my mind just wonders shocking things i guess.

  31. By slopmaster on Dec 20, 2008

    I could be insulted… this yea, I am. I realize that of all people, I shouldn’t be, but I am. I mean, Nazi zombies are part of the Christmas miracle.

  32. By Franki on Dec 20, 2008

    slop ~ oh. so sorry about that.

  33. By Elaine on Dec 22, 2008

    Okay okay, not only did Mary have ripped taint but she did it in a fucking manger.
    in winter.
    with no epidural in sight!

    And God wasn’t there holding her hand while she was pushing I’m sure (hello! It’s your child God, step it up.) Instead she has Joseph who was probably thinking, “Immaculate conception my ass. Slut.”

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