Highly Offensive Christmas Post. I Pre-apologize.
December 20th, 2007 Posted in Fire-breathing Nun, Stephen Hawking, Baby's Got Sauce, Radioactive, Sacrilege, Christophe Galfard, Bearded Lady, Holidays, Religion, Going to Hell, Apologies, ProfunditiesFranki has solved one of the mysteries of Christmas.
Oh yes she has.
The one about how the fat guy fits down the chimney and doesn’t get stuck or dirty or burnt?
No, not that one.
The one about how Santa can deliver gifts to all the children in the whole world in one night?
My best guess is he’s enlisted Christophe Galfard, Stephen Hawking’s Hot PhD Assistant to help him bend the time/space continuum.
But that’s not the mystery of which I speak.
I’ve always wondered why Joseph, of the Stepfather of God fame, was willing to take on a Pregnant Virgin and raise her child as his own. I mean, seriously, the times of sweet Heysus were not very charitable. They liked them some Virgins and hated those Bastards. Why would Joseph take on this responsibility?
Growing up Catholic, I was taught Joseph was just a Really Nice Guy and had ESP because he somehow knew he was playing part in Something Big. And it was a total sin to think about whether Mary might have been pulling Ol’ Gullible Joseph’s leg and had gotten prego the usual way by the married blacksmith with the irresistible guns, so I, the Very Good Catholic Girl, did not think such thoughts. I did, however, quietly wonder if the Virgin Mary actually had sex with God and if she had a good time or maybe thought he was a wet dream…not that the Mother of Jesus would have wet dreams.
Crap.
So going to H-E-double-hockey-sticks.
Is it so wrong to hope that Mary at least enjoyed the Immaculate Conception?
Tangential, I know.
OK, back to The Joseph Mystery.
Why did this hip guy decide to marry the Pregnant Virgin?
I’ll tell you why.
Because he was gay.
That’s right.
G. A. Y.
How do I know this, you ask?
I’ll tell you.
I received a Sign from Above in the form of my neighbor’s delightfully attractive nativity scene. As you can see, Joseph’s robe is clearly PINK.
It all makes perfect sense now. As I mentioned before, the times were perilous. Can’t have been safe to be wandering about unmarried, childless, fashion forward and G-A-Y. Joseph must’ve felt threatened by the filthy mobs.
So when a pregnant Mary came along, he must’ve felt great relief. He could marry Mary and not even have to have sex with her to beget a child.
I mean, “Ewwwwwww!”
Whether he believed that whole Immaculate Conception Thing doesn’t even factor.
I don’t know about you, but I feel much better about Joseph.
I was thinking maybe he was some naive fool and Mary was a con artist. That’s just wrong.
If you’re wondering if maybe Joseph actually was the father of Jesus, I also have proof that he is not.
As you can see below, both Mary and Joseph are radioactive. I learnt in Biology that two radioactive parental genes would produce a radioactive baby and since Sweet Baybee Jeebus is non-glowing, obviously the father is God.
Ever Helpfully,
P.S. I did warn you AND pre-apologize.
30 Responses to “Highly Offensive Christmas Post. I Pre-apologize.”
By Krok69 on Dec 20, 2007
Let me move aside so I won’t get hit by the lightning bolt too.
Gay? I don’t think so, I wear pink shirts and I’m metro-sexual. If Joe were Gay he would have been hammering the sheep. Gays wear their hair short, talk funny, wear form-fitting clothes and have no use for children.
I bet Mary told Joe that she was going to have an abortion but she didn’t. She concealed the baby by wearing that sheet thing. Female trickery.
By furiousball on Dec 20, 2007
I think you just gave Satan a boner.
By Franki on Dec 20, 2007
krok9.2 ~ 1. i’m not sure gay equates to beastiality. 2. joe would have a use for children if one kept him from being stoned to death. 3. can’t be joe’s baybee because of the radioactive corollary. sheesh.
furiousB ~ Satan’s Boner is a great name for a speed metal band.
By Glamourpuss on Dec 20, 2007
I keep forgetting that there are a whole host of otherwise seemingly normal people on your side of the pond who would actually be offended by such an assertion.
And I say assertion because I’m not convinced; we are clearly told that ‘when they got there, the stable was bare’ but did Joseph try to cheer that place up with a few scatter cushions and objet d’arts? No he did not.
Conclusion; either he was still in the closet, or he was just sexually confused.
Puss
By meno on Dec 20, 2007
Thank you for this service you have performed in clearing up this mystery.
Your stoning is scheduled for next Thursday.
See you in hell.
By Franki on Dec 20, 2007
puss ~ this classy scene is in my actual neighborhood. they usually sport the “Keep Christ in Christmas” billboard too. as far as not decorating, gays have come a long way since the birthing-in-the-barn days.
meno ~ la-lala! at least i’ll have fun company!
By Sqt on Dec 20, 2007
The pink thing doesn’t convince me entirely because it takes a man truly secure in his masculinity to wear pink. Or he’s gay. I’m not sure which.
I was raised with the Catholic guilt thing too but always secretly wondered about Joseph too. I’m a rebel.
By Krok69 on Dec 20, 2007
Franki,
I was just pondering why Mary just didn’t choose a lesbionic lifestyle right then. She was pregnant what more could she desire from a man, don’t say cuddle, avoid the potential unpleasantries of divorce.
I think it is nice that they stuck out the marriage for the child’s sake.
By Franki on Dec 20, 2007
sqt ~ i think we’re twins separated at birth.
krok9.2 ~ i think the stoning probably prevented her. where was joe at the crucifixion? wonder if they had a falling out in during puberty.
good luck with the violin. that’s such a romantic instrument.
By rachel on Dec 20, 2007
Hahahhaha!
I can’t…stop…laughing!
You’re brilliant! Certifiable, but brilliant!
You can have my nutty squirrel picture. I wasn’t gonna tag anyone with it, but heck, for this brilliant bit, you deserve it.
By Sqt on Dec 20, 2007
i think we’re twins separated at birth.
Okay, this is going to creep you out. But I was adopted at birth and had a twin. I was told it was a brother and that he died shortly after birth, but now I’m wondering… (I’m actually not making this up)
I don’t think I have an Asian blood tho.., maybe it’s a spiritual thing.
By eslocura on Dec 20, 2007
You sweet Franki are my absolutely idol, this just seals it.
By Krok69 on Dec 20, 2007
Franki,
Where was Joe at the Crucifixion? Joe was a very handsome man, he could have been with his Administrative Assistant or Secretary. I’m not a Roads Theologian Scholar so I’m just guessing.
By flutter on Dec 20, 2007
No no no, honey. If Joseph was gay he wouldn’t have chosen Mary as his beard, she was far too plain.
I mean really, with Jezebel at the ready? Come on now, you know how gay men love themselves some fabulous….
By martha on Dec 20, 2007
hahaha… so wrong. but so funny.
and why on earth do people think it’s okay to put light up figurines in their front yard?? THAT should be considered sacreligious.
By Franki on Dec 20, 2007
rachel ~ i receive your squirrel-nuttery with much solemnity and dignified Joseph bow. Thank you.
sqt ~ gee, maybe i’m your twin on my father’s american side. uhh…i got lost in the math there somewhere.
escolura ~ no, no. no adulation please. i’m much too paranoid.
krok9.2 ~ only if the AA was metrosexual.
flutter ~ yes, i see your point, but a harlot like jezebel would’ve known about the birth control properties of pennyroyal and therefore wouldn’t have been pregnant and therefore Joe would’ve had to have done the nasty with her in order to get her pregnant to prove he didn’t like men. see? the nativity scene has become my oracle. my logic is unflappable.
martha ~ ahhhh, yes, you see see my point as usual. radioactive plastic statues seems an odd way to honor one’s gods…unless one’s god were the old elvis.
By Gorilla Bananas on Dec 20, 2007
Wait a minute, Jesus had a brother, I’m sure of it. If Joseph was gay, he was the kind of gay man who could close his eyes and think of Sampson when a woman was straddling him.
By Franki on Dec 20, 2007
go nanas ~ i think jesus had a few bros and sistas. obviously, because my theory is so sound, mary had to go to the sperm bank for his siblings.
By M@ on Dec 20, 2007
Mormonism is even more fun to ridicule. I mean, look at it.
By Monicker on Dec 21, 2007
Ah, yes - the “sperm bank,” otherwise known as the local married blacksmith…
By Pool on Dec 21, 2007
Keep Christ in Christmas with Light up figurines? Losers.
By hootch on Dec 21, 2007
I dig the concept of the pre-apology. I think it’ll be particularly useful on my dates.
By stephen on Dec 21, 2007
Keep the X in Xmas…and add two more!
By Franki on Dec 21, 2007
M@ ~ it hurts me eyes to look at it.
monicker ~ ah, you’ve met him too?
pool ~ not to mention the pine boughs staple-gunned to the plywood.
hootch ~ it’s easier to ask for forgiveness than permission, right?
stephen ~ i can’t do math. you’ve confused me.
By Krok69 on Dec 21, 2007
Is there a Honey-Baked-Dog store like the Honey-Baked-Ham store?
By liv on Dec 21, 2007
so what you’re saying is that Joseph was probably singing, “Oh, Baaabyyy, you, you got what I neeeeed. But, you say he’s just a friend, you say he’s just a friend???”
really?
i’ll pray for you at midnight mass, heathen.
By Franki on Dec 21, 2007
liv ~ dammit….and it had just gone away. crap.
if you feel a burning sensation while you’re praying for me in church, i urge you to stop immediately. don’t want to ruin the holidays. thanks for visiting!
By heart in san francisco on Dec 22, 2007
Well, this explains so much, Franki. I’ve always wondered whether “virgin” was a euphemism for “knocked up” or something. Maybe the magic show was really just about semantics.
Pink robe notwithstanding, Jesus supposedly had an older brother, James, who was fathered by Joseph. I’m not sure anyone knows who the mother was as women were considered incubators.
By Franki on Dec 22, 2007
hearts ~ now that’s just fucked up.